I feel a bit guilty. Over the last few days, I’ve felt guiltier than I have for much of the last 30 days. I feel guilty because while I miss a lot of things, I’m mostly grateful. I’m not hating this version of life; I’m not loving it, but I’ve found a way to focus on things in a way that I wasn’t sure I would be able to do.
I’m grateful to have a job I can do from my home, and that I love. I love it more today than I did even a month ago. I love it because literally every single step forward with something, my team is impacting how health care is being delivered in a positive way. We are doing things we only dreamed of 2 months ago. We’re keeping people safe, we’re making things simple, we’re doing exactly what I went to grad school for 13 summers ago to do: we’re “fixing” health care. It keeps me going every single day. While I would love a day not filled with 10-12 hours of conference calls, I wouldn’t trade this for anything else.
I’m grateful to have spent more time in my own home and bed in the last month than I have since probably 2016. My bed is awesome, it’s worth it. I get to cook every week again. I’ve knocked out projects at home that I’ve needed to do for months. I get to watch the dog in the backyard of my across the street neighbors. I get to listen to birds every morning when I wake up.
I’ve spent more time focused on self-care, actual real self-care, in the last month than I have in months. I’m working out regularly. I’m identifying gratitudes daily. I’m meditating before bed. I’m paying attention to my emotions and my reactions to them. I’m focusing on getting more sleep, and changing my workout plans when my my Garmin tells me I’m doing too much. I’m listening to my body because I have nothing but time to listen to my body.
I know that I’m the weird one right now. I’m not the norm. That most people are beyond ready to get back to normal. Maybe it’s because I spend hours a week listening to clinicians and leaders talk about what is happening on the front line, and it scares me that all this talk about re-opening means our staff will be put at even more risk. Maybe it’s because I’m high risk and the idea of going back to normal means I don’t really get to do that because I have to be more careful. Whatever the reason, I feel guilty that I’m content with this life. I feel guilty that I appreciate being able to slow down for a while. I feel guilty that I’m not miserable or over it, and in some ways, am not ready for it to end.